3 Phrases to Help People Feel Listened To Today

(No one listens until they feel they are heard)

You may be able to listen to your friend.

You may have built patience to put in the hours, so you can listen to your friend well.

You may even remember all of the details your friend shared with you, so you can recall events with them later.

But if your friend doesn’t feel like they are listened to - your efforts can leave less than an impact.

How can you help that person feel listened to?

Here are 3 phrases that reassure someone you are listening:

1. “I see.”

When we are listening to someone, we often want to give verbal feedback to let them know we are listening. The problem is the words we sometimes use can give off the wrong impression.

Personally, you may say “okay” or “right” to let the person know we’re listening. However, this may sound to them like we are also agreeing with their perspective or position. In turn, we also may think we are agreeing. So how do we hold a more neutral position?

Using the phrase “I see” allows you to continue giving feedback without giving a positive or negative stance. You simply “see” what they are directing your attention to within the discussion.

2. “That doesn’t makes sense.”

One of the more difficult things in listening is helping the person feel understood. If they aren’t understood, they want to know, so they can fill in the gaps. Someone who has truly listened is someone who understands what was said.

James 1:22-24 NIV talks about this in terms of the law and the scriptures:

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

The same goes when listening to someone. If something is said that doesn’t make sense to you, share “that doesn’t make sense.” Ask them to continue sharing until it does.

Then share, “that makes sense.” This feels reassuring to anyone wanting to be listened and understood.

3. Repeat the last 3-4 words of the person’s last sentence. “______ _______ ______?”

Doing this encourages the person to continue sharing and expanding on the discussion. This exercise comes from FBI Hostage negotiator Chris Voss in his book Never Split The Difference.

Those who know they are being listened to know that the listener wants them to continue sharing. Simply repeating the last phrase they shared with an upwards inflection allows them to feel like they can keep sharing.

And also, repeating back what they just shared helps them know you are presently hearing them. This is a positive feedback loop. Practice this exercise - watch how much more people share with you.

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No one listens until they feel they are heard. Use these methods to increase the quality of your listening skills.

The better we listen to one another - the less we feel divided. The closer we become. The stronger our relationships grow. The more united we are.